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This is Me in Grade Nine Baby

Sunday, January 8th, 2012

Back in 2005/2006, my friends and I had blogs that we posted in frequently. It was almost like an exclusive club because we all had nicknames and were pretty much the only ones that read each other’s blogs, but it was fun. It’s also where I developed a lot of my writing abilities.

I was reminded of this recently when a friend of mine came to visit Montreal, a friend who was also part of this blogging community way back when. I asked myself if it was possible to find those blogs again, and last night I finally remembered to look it up.

I must say, very few people have heard me laugh as hard as I did last night while revisiting the muses of my 14-year-old self. Turns out I was even more cynical than I am now and way more proud. Penguin (nickname) would always correct my grammar and I would be a jerk to him for it. But now, I really appreciate it because I realize the importance of proof reading. My writings weren’t about topics, like they are in this blog, but basically just about my life. That’s pretty stupid, but even in my youth I wasn’t delusional enough to expect anyone other than my four friends to care about what I was saying anyway. Regrettably, I also used to bash random people I didn’t like. Rest assured that any 2005/2006 gossip definitely doesn’t apply anymore.

If there’s one thing I could learn from my young self, it’s that I should definitely write more random poems about whatever I happen to be talking about. So I think I’ll try to be more poetic with my blogging from now on.

I honestly believe that this Jr. High blogging experience played a huge role in my social and intellectual development, particularly because the people I was interacting with were way more intelligent than me, so I fed off them a lot. Though I think we all took from each other in different ways, so it was beneficial for everyone. It feels good to be able to say that, which is why it also feels good to know that what I had back then, I still have now with my other blogging friends/family.

Many people are afraid of blogging because they don’t want their thoughts out in the open for everyone on the internet to judge them for. I don’t see it that way. Blogging is an intellectual exercise that is extremely effective because you’re forced to explore your opinions, and as you attempt to communicate those opinions to an audience in the most comprehensive way possible, you’ll find you’re also communicating them to yourself. In the end, you have a firm grasp on just why you believe what you do, so that if someone asked you about it, you could tell them. It’s a common occurrence for me to be asked (or even ask myself) a question, know the simple answer, but not necessarily have a thought out explanation for my answer. It’s largely due to blogging that I’m in the habit of not allowing myself to simply believe something without knowing why I believe it. If you think it’s evil to hunt baby seals,  you better have an answer when someone asks you why it’s okay to kill cows but not seals, and it better not be, “Because they’re adorable.”

So I owe my thanks to Badger on Fire, Penquin Guy, Bobo and Arak the Brave for helping me become who I am today. And also to all my current fellow bloggers, thank you for making me think. Let’s keep this relationship going.

And now, without further ado, I present to you the oeuvres of David Shorten Jr.
Go ahead, read on, laugh on, judge on.

P.S. The second post on the page (September 1st, 2006) is genius, if I do say so myself.

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Connotations, Overcompensation and Sensitivity

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012

A topic that keeps coming up in my life is the idea of connotations. I’ve decided I hate them, because they are basically an illogical attitude towards something, based on its random association with something else. They rule us; we give them free reign over much of our behavior and I don’t think we even notice it.

Let’s take baby names as an example. I stumbled across this article on Yahoo, which talks about the government of New Zealand and their decision to ban certain names for various reasons. Some are logical, but others are strictly based on connotations. I’ll quote part of the first paragraph for you:
“While deciding what name to bestow upon one’s child is a parent’s right and privilege, when parents want to call their kid ‘Lucifer,’ they really should be stopped.”

It’s obvious that the reason the writer sees the name ‘Lucifer’ as an absolutely inappropriate name for a child is because it’s the devil’s name. But ‘Lucifer’ doesn’t mean ‘devil.’ Has anyone stopped to think about what the name actually means, or who gave Lucifer his name?

To clarify things, ‘Lucifer’ is Latin for ‘light-bearer.’ It’s the name God gave to one of His angels, who later rebelled against Him and blah blah blah, read the Bible. My point is that the real definition of the name ‘Lucifer’ is of good nature, but instead of actually attributing the real definition to the name, it’s somehow overridden by it’s association with Satan’s decision to disobey God. In other words, no matter how cool you think the name Lucifer sounds, and even though it means ‘light-bearer,’ you will most likely be disowned by your family if you name your child that.

That was a religious example. Let’s try a racial one to be really riskay. I had a friend who had the misfortune of having to work with some lady at the hospital who was an over-the-top Christian and thought she could heal people. Whether or not this was true is irrelevant. It’s enough to say that they didn’t get along, so you can imagine how it harshed my friend’s mellow when this lady referred to a black man as a negro man. Furthermore, she fogged up the windows when I started playing devil’s advocate about it.

For all you hypersensitive, politically correct people out there, I hate to break it to you, but the term ‘negro’ isn’t derogatory in any way. It was the common, accepted racial title for over two hundred years, until we decided that ‘black’ would be better. But I’m sure you’ve noticed that even that isn’t good enough anymore; now we have to say, “African-American” or we could still offend someone. But what if the person you’re describing is from Haiti? He might be offended that you didn’t say, “Haitian-American.” It’s never good enough is it? My point being that the only reason some people are offended by the term ‘negro’ is because it resembles the derogatory term ‘nigger,’ not because it has any real offensive roots. Just connotations.

Which brings me to overcompensation. These days, we’re so afraid of being racist that, in our frantic attempt not to be, we are. Example: when I was in high school, I remember there was this big deal because on an episode of Survivor, teams were separated by race. I say bravo to whoever made that decision, but most people were super angry and, to me, they’re the racist ones. I would hazard a guess that if they had separated the teams by hair color, there wouldn’t have been much commotion. Trying to overcompensate for racism is just another form of racism. Our race is a physical attribute. Until we start treating it like one, we’ll never conquer racism. Why shouldn’t I be able to describe someone by how black they are, or how narrow their eyes are? Because some black people are blacker than others, and some Asians have narrower eyes than others. It’s not racist to realize that.

In the same way, when someone wrongs you, you can be upset with them, regardless of race and gender. I’ve been legitimately sexually assaulted by females before. For reals. But you can bet I would’ve gotten less attention if I had called the police than if I was a woman getting harassed by men. It’s a bad situation we’re in; our culture is so afraid of offending certain groups that we overcompensate and treat them differently. So in the end, we’re back where we started.

It’s not okay to murder your wife and kids whether your a Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, African, Asian, Caucasian, or anything else. Also, if you’re a convicted murderer/terrorist, you shouldn’t be whining about being in prison, whether or not you’re a Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, African, Asian, Caucasian, or anything else.

I’m not going to tiptoe around every controversial issue. I’m going to call it what it is, because I’m tired of us softening everything until it feels hard and we have to soften it more. That’s why playgrounds suck now.

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Swimming Pool Etiquette

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

Recently I’ve gotten into the routine of swimming, and now that I’ve been at it for a while, I feel like I have a pretty firm grasp on how it works (or rather, how it should work). The problem with unwritten rules is that they’re unwritten. If they were written, printed and hung up in the swimming facility, there would be far fewer problems and conflicts amongst the swimmers. The lifeguards don’t seem to have the guts to enforce them either. So I’m going to write them, with all my authority, and it will likely make no difference.

During lane swimming, most pools will have four lanes: slow, medium, fast, plus whatever one they decide to double. The one I swim at, however, has a slow, medium, fast, and “very fast” lane, which I think is just to feed people’s egos by making them think they’re Michael Phelps. It’s extremely important to properly discern what lane you belong in. Unfortunately for many, almost no one does. It’s like people decide what lane they’re going to swim in based on how fast they wish they were, or how fast they think they are, which is a huge nuisance to the few who do belong there. A good rule of thumb is not to assume you’re fast.

So here’s how you should decide: before you get into a lane, stand and observe. Don’t just jump right into the fast lane because you think you’re so hot. If you do decide to go into the fast lane, you better have legitimate confidence in your swimming abilities. Here’s a hint: if you’re planning on doing anything other than front crawl, don’t go in the fast lane. That doesn’t at all mean that because you are planning on doing the front crawl, that you automatically get to go in the fast lane either. Be humble in your decision. Going into a slower lane and realizing you’re too fast for it is better than going into the fast lane and making the front crawlers want to drown you. The worst case scenario if you pick a slower lane is realizing you’re too fast and switching lanes after.

That being said, if you do switch into a faster lane because you’re too fast for the previous one, don’t assume you’re in league with the people in the lane you just switched into. Pay attention to how fast they’re swimming. Play it safe and go last. That way, you’ll be able to judge your speed in relation to theirs. Important things to ask yourself are: how much faster than you is the person in front of you? Is the person behind you going to catch up to you? How soon? If you’re completely oblivious to the speeds of your co-swimmers, you’re likely to annoy them.

Suppose you are going slower than most of the people in your lane. You don’t want to go back into the previous lane because you know you’ll just be tailgating people and your pace will be constantly disrupted. First, you have to put your pride by your side and accept the fact that you are the weakest link. Second, be conscious of the people you’re sharing the lane with. They want to exercise too and they’re going to hate you if they always have to swim right behind you. The proper way to do it is to, like I mentioned before, leave last. Make sure you’re at the back of the line. Then, you don’t have to worry about someone behind you being slowed down. Eventually though, the person who left first is going to catch up to you (make sure you’re watching for that). When you notice them catching up, stop after your next length and move to the left (or west, if north is the direction you were just swimming) and face the wall. This makes it apparent that you don’t plan on swimming right away and that they may pass you. Let as many people pass you as necessary to avoid slowing the person behind you down. This is called being considerate, and people really appreciate it.

When you’ve been swimming for a while and you decide you need a break, make sure you’re not standing on the side of the lane where people will be arriving. Sometimes they’re not paying attention and they’ll run into you, which is awkward and annoying for everybody. Stay on the other side, as if you were about to swim, but don’t look like you’re about to swim. It’s better to face the wall. That way, it will be understood that you’re taking a break and the ones who are still swimming won’t wait for you. You can also sit on the edge so you’re not taking up as much space and it’ll be really obvious that you’re not about to swim.

Sadly, no matter how good your etiquette is, there are always going to be those people who are super annoying to swim with. Dealing with them is an aspect of swimming etiquette as well. Here are the main categories:

The Super-Slow, Clueless Old Man/Moron in the Fast Lane:

These guys absolutely blow my mind. I often walk into the pool in my neighborhood and see these guys slowpoking about, completely ignorant of how drastically they’re holding up the lane. They come in many forms. Some of them are the flutter-board people, splashing around with their feet like a three-year-old who thinks, “The bigger the splash, the faster I must be going!” Some of them are the old men, jelly-fishing it on their back with their eyes closed, just enjoying their moment of zen. They all have one thing in common though, which is that they think they’re the only people on the planet, or at least in the pool.

The best way to deal with this would be to go talk to a lifeguard about getting them to switch lanes, but not everyone’s that forward. I know I’m not. Your only other option is to just pass them. Passing can be be awkward when there’s someone else swimming in the opposite direction and you have to fit between two people, but it’s kind of a subtle hint. Hopefully after being passed enough times, it will start to occur to them that maybe, just maybe, they’re not at the same caliber as the people in this lane. If that doesn’t work, start moving in a little too early when you pass them so that you kick them in the face. Just kidding. Don’t do that.

The Flipper People:

Some pools have a bin full of flippers that you can wear if you want. It’s actually kind of nice to wind down with some flipper action after a flipperless workout, but people wearing flippers sometimes forget that they can now go twice as fast as everyone else. Just because you can go faster, doesn’t mean you should. You’re not getting a better workout because you’re wearing something that makes you swim faster. It’s like going on a bike trail with a motorcycle and putting the pedal to the metal. It’s annoying, intimidating and distracting. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can really do about them but be patient…

The Ape Man:

The ape man is the guy who’s super hardcore about swimming, ripping and snorting back and forth across the pool and swearing under his breath any time he’s inconvenienced. You should be able to escape his wrath by using the technique discussed earlier, letting him go first and letting him pass you when he catches up.

So those are the most common inconveniences that occur in lane swimming, based on my experience over the last while. I’d love to hear any extra lane swimming stories that you have, especially if they haven’t been mentioned here, and how you deal with them.

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An Insight on the Male Attitude

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

I’ve decided to write down my evaluation of my natural social tendencies towards the opposite sex, for the benefit of males and females alike. The reason for this is that, after talking with several friends, I’ve learned that I’m not a minority; the motives that drive my interaction with girls are selfish and it’s important for as many women as possible to know that the nicest guys can be the ones that will do you the most damage.

The attitude I’m describing is one that most of us guys develop over time, myself included. Now that I realize it’s wrong, I have to make a very conscious effort not to think this way and it’s really difficult because I allowed myself to adapt to it for so long. Please note that I’ve had  conversations with other guys who admit to thinking the same way and can testify with me to the pain it can cause.

Basically (and this may sound ridiculous), the way guys interact with girls is similar to the way a parasite interacts with its host, but it’s rarely a symbiotic relationship.  We have people ranked on a scale in order of who can provide us with the most pleasure, and girls are on the top. So we attach ourselves to them and get what we can out of the friendship until it’s not easy anymore, then we then bail out and find someone new and hot and exciting. When I say ‘pleasure’, I don’t necessarily mean sex, or even anything physical. This is important to keep in mind because most girls are smart enough to know when a guy just wants sex. It gets more difficult to identify the ones who want you to fall for them so they can withdraw once their ego’s boosted.

The reason girls are ranked the highest is because they have a greater potential to make a guy feel good. For instance, the average male would rather hang out with an attractive female than frag with his guy friends. So he will invest in getting to know her because it’s elating. Eventually though, the feeling wears off and he can’t get anything else out of the relationship without making a serious commitment, so he backs out jumps to another host. Being in a relationship would mean having to stop pursuing intimate friendships with other attractive women, and that would mean less pleasure. It really is all about the pleasure.

Up to now, this manner of behavior would seem selfish, but not necessarily harmful. After all, there isn’t anything wrong with enjoying a developing friendship. What’s dangerous is developing that friendship too far. Girls are, by nature, quite emotional. And when they see that a “nice” guy enjoys spending time with her, is great to talk to and makes her feel good, she’s likely to want a more serious relationship. But the guy doesn’t. He just wants the good time.

This is the guy that starts a message thread with a girl and quits when he starts getting too lazy to reply; the guy who’s always going for hugs; who pays lots of attention to you as long as you’re the prettiest girl in the room; the guy who gives you a compliment and then waits for you to reward him with affection; or the guy who immediately comforts the girl who’s recently broken up. It’s a giant facade because all those things can seem selfless on the surface, when the motives underneath them are not.

If you’re a man, don’t pass off the blame. Don’t say, “It’s not my fault if she gets the wrong idea.” That just shows how little you care for her, that you’d rather take all you can from the friendship despite the possibility of her getting hurt.

Ladies, just believe me okay? This is coming straight from a guy who’s battling these tendencies. I’m fully aware that the roles can be reversed, that sometimes it can be girls that are the tricksters. I’m just trying to unsheathe a serious social phenomenon that hardly gets any serious attention in the hopes that someone might be able to avoid some heartache.

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Assassination Attempt on Facebook

Wednesday, July 13th, 2011

Let’s be honest with ourselves: Google is amazing. It’s probably the most powerful force on the internet and virtually every time it does something, it’s really impressive. I mean come on… they let you play Pacman on their homepage and it wasn’t even done with Flash. Respect. I think if Google took over the world, I wouldn’t mind. Anyway, to the topic at hand.

Today, my friend linked me to one of Google’s new projects, Google+. Basically, it’s social networking just like Facebook, but it’s going to put Facebook to shame. To be honest, I was starting to wonder if it would ever happen since Facebook was doing a good job of coming out with cool features, with their only error being changing their layout slightly and making everyone whine every once in a while. But after looking at some of Google+’s basic features, I noticed that they’ve already implemented some ideas that Facebook failed to think of. I’ll only mention the ones that I really appreciate and you can check the rest out for yourself.

Hangout is their video chat feature where you can have up to ten people in a single video chat. Skype only lets you have a video chat with two people unless you pay for a subscription. As much as I like Skype, I was really disappointed that they decided to charge for that. In Google+, you can choose who you want to let into your hangout, or more importantly, who you don’t want to be in your hangout. People you decide not to exclude can drop in and out anytime, like a real life social event!

Remember that moment where your parents added you on Facebook and you totally panicked? Yeah, no need to pretend that didn’t happen. Google+ has this Circles system where you can actually choose who sees the content you post. You can create as many circles as you want too. This helps to filter out the posts that don’t interest you, and for you to control what information you share with others, like in the real world (a huge plus for people who are really concerned with privacy or “Facebook stalking”).

Sparks is the, “Yeah we’re still a butt-kicking search engine” part of Google+. You type your interests and it gives you feed that’s related to it. Then you can send it to certain friends (without having to type “@friend#1 @friend#2 @friend#3 @friend#4 @friend#5 @friend#6 @friend#7 @friendOHWAITSEVENISTHELIMITSUCKA!!!”). And of course you can save your interests and check up on new stuff whenever you want.

Those are the coolest features in my opinion, though there are tons of other things that are better about it than Facebook, such as the +1, which is Google+’s version of ‘liking’ something, except hopefully with less people rioting for a -1 button. You also have more status options for instant chat, so people like me who like to confuse people can still be busy, but not actually. Or you can be invisible so when you want to know who’s online, you don’t have to sign on, speed read the list of names, realize you don’t want to talk to any of them, and sign off again.

Myspace and MSN took a huge hit when Facebook happened, and I hypothesize that Facebook and Skype are going to take a huge hit because of Google+. I recommend you all take the tour with their cool demo page that explains it in detail. I just wanted to write a little review and encourage everyone to conform to the inevitable, because it looks like it’s going to be quite an inovation. See you there, hopefully!

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North Korea

Monday, May 9th, 2011

There’s something that’s been troubling me a lot lately. The other day, a friend posted an article about an issue that I had only vaguely heard about. I was staggered though, after reading the article. Not only was I angry about the sheer magnitude of the injustice, but I was also baffled that I managed to live twenty years of my life before even being informed that the same crime committed against the Jews in World War II is happening right now in North Korea. Not only that, but it’s been happening since 1950.

I won’t get into the history of the division between North and South Korea (though I recommend you look into it yourself), but to summarize, North Korea is the most isolated country in the world. Starting in the early 1990s, the country experienced a famine that resulted in the death of millions, largely due to flooding and a severe lack of international trading partners. Their education system is centered on making sure citizens basically worship their leader, Kim Il-sung. In fact, a lot of North Koreans actually believe that he created the world and that his son controls the weather; everyone wears a pin with his face on it; even though he is dead, they recognize Kim Il-sung as their eternal president. The country’s economy is also extremely military focused.

At the end of World War II, North Korea started building concentration camps, just like the Nazis, where they send “political criminals.” They don’t just send individuals either; if you commit what Kim Jong-il deems criminal, you and your whole family (including children and the elderly) are sent to these camps for the rest of your life. There you will have barely any food (none, if you don’t work hard enough), you are forced to work as a slave in often dangerous working conditions, you run the risk of being raped or experimented on, you will likely be tortured, and you are more likely to die than ever be released or escape. It’s 2011 and no one is doing anything to stop it.

But I’m not writing this post to go into detail. I’m writing it because I don’t think I’m the only one that had absolutely no clue this was going on. Usually I have a pessimistic attitude towards raising awareness, but this is a case where it’s extremely important for the world to complain. It took way too long for the United Nations to act on the Rwandan genocide because of their selfish philosophy of only helping other countries if it benefits them, and it was mostly thanks to media attention that the issue became important enough to investigate. To be fair, they did take action once officials were aloud to start calling it genocide (Heaven forbid they overreact about people being murdered). In the case of North Korea though, we don’t have an excuse not to be screaming for something to be done. These atrocities have been going on for over sixty years. There are dozens of escapees who can and have testified to countless inhumane crimes that are carried out within these camps, and they have the scars to prove it. It’s not some rumor.

I’ll stop there. If you’re curious about the subject, then I encourage you to do some research and see for yourself. If you’re not, then at least you know, and I would urge you to link to this post on some social network, or to any of the following resources.

This is a conference with the only escapee from a total control zone (a camp where they don’t even bother teaching the inmates propaganda since they’re meant to stay there until their death). Very informative but also lengthy:

LiNK is an organization whose goal is to spread awareness about the crisis in North Korea, provide safe places for refugees from North Korea all over China and southeast Asia, and to resettle as many as they can in South Korea or North America.

This is the article my friend posted. It’s short and gives you a good summary of the atrocities that the prison camps

You can also read the Wikipedia page on human rights in North Korea.

So while we’re praying for Japan and Haiti, let’s also pray for North Korea.

EDIT: There is currently a fundraiser going on to help rescue and  resettle North Korean refugees, which I am a part of. Click here to go to my fundraising page and donate to LiNK, who is doing a lot to help North Koreans. Any amount is appreciated! The deadline is December 31st, 2011, so don’t hesitate!

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Dating: My Detailed Opinion

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

Note: For a condensed summary of the points to be elaborated on in this post, see here.

I would like to preface this by assuring all my readers that the objective of my writing is not to subtly take shots at people who are in a dating relationship. In fact, I have a lot of friends that will probably read this who are dating. Though I recognize that there are appropriate ways to date, I personally believe that dating does more harm than good and have found it to be true through a lot of observation.

First off, I’ve never dated. I don’t claim to be an expert on it, but I’ve learned through exposure that you don’t actually have to date to experience its negative effects. The criticisms I’m about to list come either from ways I’ve been affected by it, or from testimonies of people I know.

One thing that’s bound to happen when you label yourself as being ‘in a relationship’ is that you are subject to a lot of social pressure by your family, your friends, and your church, if you attend one. This can range from small, annoying comments like, “You two are so cute together,” to your parents making parent-like comments such as, “He better have a decent career lined up for him.” I haven’t even dated and I’ve gotten unwanted attention simply by spending too much time with the same person. Even small comments can put stress on a relationship. The respectful few will keep their mouths shut, and the more forward people will ask you a lot of questions, make a lot of comments and give you a lot of advice that’s probably really terrible. Here’s a hint though: your parents care about you; your friends are probably just getting involved because they’re single and jealous, or not single but want you to know how good they are at relationships (and unless they’re happily married, how much can they really know?); the church should be fine as long as you’re still on a worship team or something.

Dating is exclusive, whether or not you want it to be. For instance, couple #1 intentionally excludes themselves from all other social events and only spend time alone together. Unhealthy, because if you’re unable to interact with others as a couple, then you’re setting yourselves up to live a very uncomfortable, lonely marriage. But by then, no one will want to hang out with you anyway. Couple #2 doesn’t mind being in social situations together, but feel the need to remind everyone of their togetherness in a graphic and sometimes inappropriate fashion. That type of behavior creates about the same effect as the first, but in a more passive way, since people tend to distance themselves from overly touchy couples. After all, no one (at least, no one that I would invite to my parties) is going to sit and watch you make out, and I doubt you want them to either. So the difference between the first two examples is that couple #1 actively excludes others by making no effort to interact with anyone but each other, whereas couple #2 passively excludes others by scaring them away with their gross PDA. Now couple #3 (the couple I approve of) are not dating while in social situations. At least, that’s their attitude. They split up, spend time with others and demonstrate their social abilities by proving that they aren’t wholly dependent on their significant other and are perfectly enjoyable to be with, whether or not their boyfriend/girlfriend is with them. In my whole life, I think I’ve seen two examples of this. In an ideal dating relationship, there would be no such thing as a third wheel, because the third person would feel completely included and not set apart from the people dating, to form a beautiful tricycle of friendship.

Unfortunately for couple #3, they still can’t avoid inducing a certain amount of anxiety in others and/or themselves in cases of interaction with the opposite gender while their companion isn’t present. For the single person having a conversation with the taken person, genuine compliments become an impossible formula of motives which both parties are likely to misinterpret, which adds a kind of ‘watch your back’ paranoia to the exchange, resulting in an intense discomfort for at least one of the two. I know I make it sound a lot worse than it probably is, but I would say it’s still a rather present social circumstance.

One thing about dating that I imagine would put a significant amount of stress on the relationship is the unwritten rules and expectations of both. Anyone who would say that there shouldn’t be any is delusional. Of course there are expectations: birthdays, Valentines Day, Christmas, paying for meals at restaurants, a certain amount of time a week for each other, getting to know the family, etc… these are probably just a few. I’m sure if I decided to get into a romantic relationship, I would find out very slowly and painfully what the implied requirements are. It would be a brilliant idea for couples to sit down together right from the get-go and just be honest which each other, but I doubt anyone does that because it’s weird telling people you expect things from them. Still, it would unsheathe so many selfish motives to the point where, by the end of the discussion, the two might not even want to be in a relationship anymore. Here are some examples of these rules:

I once had a conversation with someone about a guy she had dated. She told me he would always make offhanded remarks about marriage, implying that he really wanted to marry her. This scared my friend, because she was obviously not ready to get that serious. It was obvious that there were huge differences between his motives/expectations and hers. At the time, I was on her side (this was before I had really come to a solid conclusion of my stance on dating). I thought, “Yeah that’s pretty creepy that he would talk about marriage so soon.” Now I’m thinking, “If you didn’t intend to get married then why did you enter the relationship?” Heaven forbid a guy be serious about the girl he’s dating.

Another conversation I had was with a girl who had once gone out on a date with a someone to a restaurant. After the meal, there was an extremely awkward misunderstanding about paying for the food. She expected him to pay (since that’s commonly yet illogically how it works I guess) but he was obviously unaware of the unwritten expectation and, after a passive-aggressive little guilt trip, agreed to pay. Guess how many other dates they went on. Zero!

These are just two examples. Another thing couples need to be able to agree on is what they consider ‘cheating.’ I think it’s safe to say that cheating is bad, but there’s a huge gray area in the definition of it that really hurts relationships sometimes. For most, cheating is engaging in romantic relations with someone other than your boyfriend or girlfriend. For some though, even becoming too close emotionally with someone else is enough to put a relationship on edge. If a couple can’t come to an agreement on this, there can easily be tension if he or she decides to become really good “friends” with someone else of the opposite sex. And it’s not uncommon for that good friend to influence the romantically involved victim away from their partner for selfish reasons.

In a marriage scenario, all of these examples would either not exist, or they would be extremely easily resolved. If the people in the first case were married, they obviously wouldn’t be talking about issues of commitment; if the people in the second case were married, obviously it wouldn’t really matter who paid since married couples operate as one (unless there’s no trust in the marriage). And if the third couple were married, neither of them would put themselves in a position to be lured away from their spouse, assuming they have even an inkling of faithfulness in them. So you can see how these unwritten rules come into play and create awkward moments for everyone. There’s no fighting it either. You can’t say, “We choose to have no expectations of each other.” If you go to that side, then your relationship has no foundation. You’re not expecting to get married, so why are you dating? If you love each other, wouldn’t it make sense to show your love through action? There are certain expectations that are necessary for a healthy relationship and I would  hazard a guess that love is one of them. But you also can’t say, “We both have the following expectations of each other and promise to keep them: insert list of expectations.” First of all, you won’t keep them. At least, not all the time. You’ll both fail each other, so the real question is if you’ll be able to forgive each other and stay committed. If the answer is yes, then you should just get married, since you’re so committed.

Another sad thing I’ve seen happen is people making huge life sacrifices in order to be close to the person they’re dating. I know a guy who went to a certain school pretty much so he could live in the same city as his girlfriend, when he could have gotten a much better education somewhere else. A year and a half later, they broke up anyway. And that is just a mild example. There are endless stories of people who have sacrificed much more than their education, girls in particular. It’s all tragic because the reason for these sacrifices is so fickle, but people fool themselves into thinking it’s more than it is because no one likes to willingly embark on a journey what’s eventual destination is breaking up. That’s not to say that every romantic relationship will end in breakup, but I can’t think of anyone I know who’s current spouse was the first person they dated and I believe there’s a way to avoid the pain that happens through having several companions before finally finding someone you want to marry.

This last point might offend some people. Obviously it doesn’t apply to everyone, but I think to a large portion, it does. Dating has become something people just do when there’s a mutual attraction between two people, and a lot of times no one puts any more thought into it than that. It’s built into our way of thinking that it’s the only effective system. Why does being attracted to someone necessitate dating them? This is where it becomes difficult to discuss the issue because everyone has different definitions of what dating actually is. To me, it’s getting to know someone with serious intent. In other words, you want to figure out if this person is the right one for you to marry. But to a lot of people, it isn’t that. Sadly, there are often very selfish motives for dating. For some people it’s affection; for others it’s physical pleasure, which can be anything from holding hands to sex; for others it’s social status. Like I said before, you get a lot more attention when you’re dating. This is why so many relationships end so soon: as soon as someone isn’t getting what they want anymore, they don’t see the point.

For the past few years, my attitude towards relationships has morphed into what I believe (and hope) to be my final, permanent opinion. In high school, I was with the masses, thinking that dating was the only way to go. Later on, I began to take note of how few of my friends, christian or non-christian, were able to make a relationship last. I thought about other cultures where people didn’t even get to choose who they married, but rather learned to love who their parents picked for them. So for a while, I honestly wanted an arranged marriage. After a while though, I realized that the culture I’m a part of doesn’t accommodate that system. I don’t know about you, but my parents don’t know any of my friends. Even though I trust that my parents are perfectly capable of picking out a good marriage partner for me, they just don’t know any girls my age. If I said to my mom, “Mom, I’d like you to choose my spouse,” she would have no one to pick from. Arranged marriage is only effective in tightly knit societies where parents actually know families.

The conclusion I’ve come to is that it’s very possible to get to know someone well enough to know if you could spend your life with them, without dating. No half commitment, no selfish indulgence, no social pressure, no expectations, no exclusiveness, no fear of breaking up, and no confusion. Just genuinely learning more about each other in a healthy way, as friends. This would save so much heartache and prevent a lot of bad experiences. Plus, if you ever come upon a deal-breaker, you can withdraw. I won’t deny that it would be a disappointing, maybe sad experience, but it would be less hurtful than if you had made huge emotional, physical and financial sacrifices for that person. In the event that you grow to love that person enough to be willing to be with them forever (assuming the feeling is mutual), that’s when you commit to that person and get married. It just makes so much sense to me.

The commitment aspect of my stance is the most important part of understanding where I’m coming from. There is no commitment in dating because, at any moment, you could break up. This is one of the few cases for me where it’s all or nothing. If you know someone well enough to commit to marriage, then that’s what you do. Otherwise, you have to get to know them more. You don’t get to know them physically because that doesn’t do any good for the relationship. And if that’s not your top priority, then you probably have ulterior, selfish motives.

Ideally, dating is a system that has the potential to work out, provided it is gone about in a serving manner, selflessly and honestly (not unlike communism!). Unfortunately, it just doesn’t happen. As soon as it’s adopted, people give into the temptations that are present within the system, using it selfishly. Challenges arise and people back out. So, to the confusion of my friends and family, I will never engage in a dating relationship.

Please, I’d love to hear any criticisms or encouragements.

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Waiting for the Next Era

Monday, April 18th, 2011

Eventually, the years we’re living in will all be put into a group with a bunch of other years and be given a name. It’s called an era, and right now we call it ‘the modern age,’ but obviously that will only last until all the new things in it aren’t new anymore. If you’re lucky, this age will end within your lifetime and you’ll crossover into the next. But don’t get cocky, because the time span of these eras won’t be decided until long after you’re dead. This is a phenomenon that’s bound to happen every once in a while and, historically, what causes it is a change in the way we think. Sometimes it’s perpetuated by a new idea, and sometimes by the molestation of an old idea.

I’ll use music as an example because everyone likes music and that’s what I’ve been studying lately. The Middle Ages take up over a thousand years of music history (400-1450 AD). The reason for this is that basically the only place you could find music was in church, which doesn’t have a great track record in terms of letting things evolve. Leave it to church to take the fun out of everything and keep everything the same for a thousand years, hey? Once music became more secular, things started moving faster. The Renaissance Period was just a hundred and fifty years long, as was the Baroque, Classical was only seventy-five years and the Romantic period was eighty. Sorry, you’re really bored probably, so I’ll get to my point.

Usually what caused these new developments in music was people getting sick of the same thing forever. The Middle Ages ended because people were sick of Gregorian Chant, sick of singing the same, monotonous, unaccompanied religious music for a thousand years. By the end of Baroque, people were sick of the unvaried dynamics and always ending on the same stupid tonic note. Blues and Rock and Roll came from being tired of orchestras and white supremacists: “Don’t play that! It’s race music!” So we told them to blow it out their ears and started the Rock and Roll revolution, which I’m sure we thought was way cooler than the Baroque revolution, when it probably wasn’t.

I chose to explain this cycle with music, but I’m sure you can apply it to pretty much anything: politics, art, technology, religion, etc… All this to say…

I’m sick of the Modern Age. I’ve had enough of the terrible, auto-tuned, samey pop songs about teenage drama; the deafening screamed/squealed/growled/roared death metal vocals; the swinging the hair around like a mental case; the tight pants, wispy hair, plaid shirts and ties; the plotless electronica. We’ve successfully corrupted everything all the pioneers did, and with greater haste than ever before. Michael Jackson became Katy Perry, the Beatles became Nickleback and Kraftwerk became every colorless song on di.fm, all within about a sixty year span. Not only that, but we’ve even managed to pervert originality itself, by attempting (and failing) to create new genres. We’re frantically and desperately looking for new ideas to the point where the result is often counterproductive.

I’m tired of voice acting in video games. Bring back the text! The voices remove the privilege of interpreting the script myself; the amazing detail doesn’t allow me to draw the visuals mentally; the full orchestras kill the diversity.

Disney, Pixar, Dreamworks, etc…, are all spewing out animations too fast. They’re usually pretty mediocre except for the sexy graphics. I don’t hear anyone singing songs from The Princess and the Frog or Tangled. It’s still The Lion King, Aladdin, Mulan and Beauty and the Beast.

The new Christian “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship” evangelism tactic, as well as “crossover bands” are getting old too. Why do we have to mislead people? It is what it is, and I’m sure there are less deceiving ways of conveying to people how Christianity is different from other religions, but it’s still a religion. And as far as I can tell, crossover bands are virtually useless for softening people’s hearts towards faith. I’ve met fans of these bands who don’t have a clue that they even are Christian.

I could go on with more examples of new ideas that should bite the dust. I’m sure you would agree with some and disagree with others, and I’m sure you could come up with your own list of old ‘new ideas,’ so to speak, that you want gone.

We can hope for the possibility that it’s almost over, even though we can’t be sure. I’m thankful that I was born during a boom of progress in multiple respects. Imagine having no access to music unless you were wealthy like people in the Baroque era, or being limited to classical and its subgenres, or the only form dramatic entertainment being a play by Shakespeare. I’m sure there are people who would say, “This is it. We can’t go any further,” and I think very much that they’re wrong. They have been so far. Unfortunately, all we can do is wait.

If there’s anyone else out there who agrees with me, anyone who’s in the mood for a switch (or if you think I’m full of it), I’d appreciate any thoughts you have on the subject.

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Brothers Chaps Leaving Us Hanging. Sort of?

Saturday, February 19th, 2011

I thought HomestarRunner.com was so popular and amazing that there would be multiple people crying in their blogs about it if the site stopped updating, but obviously I’m their biggest fan because as far as I can tell, I’m the first one to say anything about it. And I must say something about it. I feel like there has to be other people like me out there wondering what’s going on; people wondering if they’re alone in their despair at the halt of probably the best comedic Flash site on the internet.

To be fair, I don’t think the Brothers Chaps owe me anything, not even an explanation. It could be personal issues, creativity block, or maybe they’re just tired of it. If they want to stop animating and spend the rest of their lives living it up on the income of their merchandise, then that’s fine. They deserve it, if you ask me. Their manner of departure however, is what saddens me. I liken it to this story:

Benjamin is born into a loving home, with parents that provide for his needs to the best of their abilities. The relationship between the boy and his parents grows without ceasing, with every year marking a milestone in a nurturing, encouraging journey towards independence. Finally, Benjamin is a graduate of high school and is prepared for his parents to let him fend for himself. However, Mom and Dad lovingly continue to pay for their son’s meals, let him stay at home and even offer to pay for him to go to college. Thrilled and very thankful, he applies for his education. Everything is going well for Benjamin: good grades, good friends, good life. One day, Ben comes home for dinner, only to find that there is no place set for him, and no food prepared like there normally would be. Confused, he inquires about the unusual behavior of his parents, to which they respond, “Are you not an adult? You have to start learning responsibility and paying your own way.” Though slightly put off by the abrupt and unanticipated new system, Benjamin is optimistic, thinking to himself, “It was nice of them to support me up until now.” He finds a job, starts earning money and pays for the rest of his schooling as well as rent to stay at home. A few months go by and Ben is beginning to get used to his new responsibility, but then something strange happens. Benjamin, not expecting a meal to be waiting for him at home anymore, grabs some take-out after school and proceeds to spend the night with friends. Upon his return, he notices a note on the fridge:

Dear Benny,

Where were you for supper?! There are leftovers in the fridge. Your father and I have gone out.

P.S. We found a check from you for $400 on our bed this morning. Why?!

A sit-down conversation with his parents the next day reveal to Ben that his parents are willing to let him stay at home for free, make him meals and pay for his school, and that he doesn’t have to. But again, a few months later, the cycle repeats and Benjamin’s parents demand rent money, refuse to make meals for him and don’t help out with his tuition. He is left to provide for himself… for a while. This repeated indecision leaves poor Benjamin frustrated to the point of depression and finally, on a breezy autumn morning, he decides to take his own life by way of bridge-jump. The end.

A little dramatic at the end I suppose but it gets my frustration across I think. I hope you understand the parallels. It was great of the Brothers to feed me quality humor for the last ten or so years. If they want to call it quits, then I’m ready to let go and find other sources, but it’s as if they’re teasing me with infrequent updates. The last sbemail was around the end of 2009. After that, there were zero updates until April, 2010: a kind of pathetic short, to be honest. But I forgave them, thinking they were back up and running. They weren’t. Again, nothing until the end of 2010: a calender. Really? A calender? At this point I was losing almost all hope, until my friend posted a link on my wall: a Decemberween toon! I could hardly believe it. A full toon! Surely this meant a revival at homestarrunner.com. Yet here I am, February the 18th, naively hoping that this dark age will pass and the Brothers Chaps will resume distributing the best free entertainment I’ve ever had the privilege of viewing.

So basically what I’m looking for is a statement. Something like…

Dear viewers,

The Brothers Chaps will no longer be posting regular updates.

Simple as that. Then, I can be thrilled when they ever do post something, instead of constantly waiting and hoping that they’ll get back into a routine.

So Chapmans, thank you for your contribution to the world. If we’ve reached the end of homestarrunner.com, I’m sure I’ll get over it. If not, I look forward to the next update.

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Encouragement

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

Note: Just to warn readers, this is about as cheesy as I get. If cheesy things make you cringe, replace the the word ‘love’ with ‘encouragement’ or in the case of a verb, ‘encourage’.

2010 has been the best year of my life (unless I just have a terrible memory) and I can directly attribute it to one thing: love. Unfortunately, it’s also made me regret how much I’ve wasted my time for the past nineteen years. It’s like I was too busy to love, or at least too busy to realize how important it is. If you think I’m stating the obvious, then congratulations on being a better person than me. But there’s also a chance you haven’t fully grasped love’s potential, like I hadn’t before last year.

I think my problem was that I saw it as something that I had earned by working on being a likable person or something. This is partly true, but completely the wrong outlook. Unfortunately, a lot of people have the same philosophy, though they might not realize it. By thinking this way, we create exclusive communities of love, where people choose to love people they feel deserve it and those people are able to return the favor, turning love into a kind of social currency. People who don’t earn money can’t pay money. So to get out of their state of poverty, they have to make themselves worth something so they can move up in status. Likewise, people who aren’t shown love and encouragement don’t offer it. The difference is that in the social parallel, we don’t have an excuse not to love. Anyone who says, “I’ve run out of love,” is putting a limit on the amount of love they’re willing to offer, which is selfish. It’s easy to get away with not giving money to the poor by saying, “They’ll just buy drugs, cigarettes and alcohol,” but love isn’t like that; it doesn’t go to waste and it doesn’t run out.

The beginning of a new year usually never phases me, but hearing people talk about it so much has forced me to think about it and I’ve realized how much I’ve been blessed this past year by the people I’ve met. It’s much easier to show love when it’s being shown to you, but not impressive. I urge you to go first even when you don’t feel like it. Maybe you’ll be loved in return; maybe you won’t. The less you get back, the more selfless of an act it is.

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